nothing is as raw as the time you set it

hi

my name is jordan. i'm 21 and 1/2 years old, and a rising senior in college. turns out, life isn't what you think it is. you are given all of these choices and options and varieties and flavors, and some taste better and feel better and work out better, and some fire other synapses in your brain, causing discomfort, pain, humiliation, defeat, and depression.

i'm doing well. 2:41 am, in my house, 4 people sleeping in the main room listening to beyonce. all of her songs are the same as the next one. it could be the mark of the producer though i guess.

i have all of these great ideas that i forget to write down. i'm going to start to write them down because it's important that other people know! i just don't really know how to write. i'd say a lot of people would consider me a rather concise speaker, and at times eloquent even, but i'm frustrated that communication is still such a problem for me. it's really similar to the idea that you can teach someone how to play poker, but you can't teach them how to play poker.

i got over my ex-girlfriend a couple weeks ago. it took me 2 1/2 years. I can't tell if this loyalty is one of the most attractive traits I have, or if it's something that was a one-trick pony and now I'll never really know how to trust someone with all of my intimacy again.

to speak -- intimacy (romantic, sic) for me means that when we are together that I actually care about what happens, and about what she says, and if there's a glance that doesn't like my joke I can't get it out of my head for the rest of the evening, and if theres a fight i won't sleep, and if shes upset i'll do anything to ease her discomfort. it's pathetic in a way, but it's so @#$%ing real that I'm not going to say that I don't meet this active aorta of activity called life every-so-often.

turns out, nearly every girl i've had a crush on/fling with has a boyfriend right now. it's absolutely hilarious. i mean, i suppose it'd be fitting, considering i'm finally "free" in a significant way, that my freedom in many ways relates to 20 years without parole, releasing into a new life, getting re-adjusted into society, what a weird crime i've committed, loyalty, as if that was something to be ashamed of.

matt knows what i'm talking about. he knows e-x-a-c-t-l-y what i'm talking about. all we have is loyalty, all we have is the greatest vision, the most amount of love, excitement and a puppy-dog face, and yet God demands our steadfast trust in pain tolerance and emotional unease. not that i actually know what torture feels like, or that i'd somehow cast myself as a person who has been through difficult times. my life hasn't been difficult. i've never worried about money or my own ability to do something, or having friends or being accepted (well, there was always middle school).

i guess what i'm trying to say is, "you must not know-bout me". nah, beyonce. but maybe i'm trying to say that i'm special. isn't that why people write blogs? Either "i'm special" or "i hope i have value to someone enough to read this".

and then maybe it's just me or maybe it's everyone but there's this weird self-valuation thing that i don't quite understand, but i think i understand, where i talk to myself when im by myself, and i refer to myself as a different person as the me who's talking, and we have conversations, and i ask myself questions and answer them, and i end up loving myself, so much, and admiring myself, and sympathizing with the things I don't do well, and getting excited about the things I could do or am doing, and i strengthen up for long Ethan Frome winters and the inevitable spring-fall-in-love, the summer heat that I hate, and the fall hustle that grows out my hair again and then asks me where i spent my time because it probably wasn't doing soomething productive.