I am Continuing

to see good information about the health care debate.

http://online.wsj.com/public/resources/documents/HEALTHTIMELINE0907.html?mod=djm_wsjnf0809a_sh2

I am Financially adept (so is Bernanke)

Nice. I think he's doing a good job.

I am Government

This is very cool. Obama gives weekly addresses talking about the relevant issues he deals with. No matter what your opinion is of Obama, he's the hippest and most plugged-in president we've ever had.

I am Private

Privacy.

I am interested.

President Barack Obama has appeared at a few town hall meetings recently, from which YouTube videos have been uploaded. I watched a couple of the most recent Videos, Health Care and Debate and wanted to make a few comments on them.

Firstly, our president is perhaps the best-spoken president we've ever had. His style of speaking, which to any ear, untrained or trained, feels simple yet strong, appealing and believable. He takes pauses at all the correct moments, has a genuineness and non-argumentative sound to his voice, and is has a generally pleasing sonic tone. He embodies all of the silly American ideals that we have, which is confident but not overly so, taking the middle road and protecting the average American citizen (whoever that is, my friends and I think that actually the average American would probably be a rather annoying person), and morally upstanding.

With regard to the health care points - The guy's question was a good one - can private corporations compete with a public option? Well the answer, while complicated, is actually very simple. Those who are able to provide the highest quality service for the lowest price will always prevail in a free market (given that the service is relatively standardized and a lot of other assumptions that need not be brought up now). If the public option does this, it will quickly gain the majority of the business. If it does so by relying on taxpayer dollars, then it does so illegitimately and is no longer the correct way to be handling health care from a governmental perspective.

It's likely that the rosy perspective that Obama paints is just that - a painted version of the invading "new way" of doing things. I would currently say, with limited knowledge on the issue, that it's likely that this will become just another form of redistribution. I'd guess that a majority of people will probably stay with private plans, but those who have no coverage or crappy coverage will switch to the public option, and those who pay taxes will shoulder the expenses.

The most interesting question in all of politics is what kind of autonomy and responsibility we give to people. Do we wish to make laws that let people freely do anything they'd like, or do we create egalitarian societies based upon laws that prevent anyone from straying too far from the mean of the commonwealth? The current system, modern social liberals would say, is flawed because we give too much autonomy to those who are in power, controlling the money, market share, or what have you of the major commoditised markets. They would argue, perhaps well-founded, that the Bill Gates and Warren Buffet's of the world are the exception, not the standard, and that people "at the top" pay no heed to those beneath them.

What is the classical liberal response to this? It requires that we must place autonomy and freedom at the highest point on our value scale (by notion of private property), and thus make all other values subject to these. Therefore things like taxes are gross disruptions of these essential freedoms because they are taking what is rightfully someones and using them for some other benefit, or only partial benefit to the taxpayer. The argument must be a moral one -- those at the top of the food chain must be implored to share what they've been given, either from predisposition, good fortune, or hard work, with the least fortunate.

I am Greek

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
In the Odyssey, the one-eyed man is Polyphemus, the cyclops son of Poseidon.

i always
want
multiple conversations

i'm honest

changing is the horizon
like a shapeshifter i
can only guess what
you will be next

maybe it's Fate's sullen promise;
elasticity in those close to me

I'm real.

Jamie sat across from me at the poker table. She immediately caught my eye, and saw that I was noticing more than everyone else at the table. She was probably 38. I was 22. I caught on that she sat down with her friend Dusty, who was this scrawny white guy that was missing a couple side teeth on his upper maxilla. His scruffy face and faded t-shirt told me he wasn't playing Hold 'Em with his excess cash, it was most likely his paycheck (it was Friday).

Her eye-liner was just a bit too dark for her age -- she had to be still single. She bantered with Dusty about the Flyers and how they traded this player to the Ducks, and that player to Montreal. I shoved pocket sevens on a 8-8-6 flop and thought I was good. She showed me queens, but of course I spiked a 7 on the river. Now our relationship mattered.

"How could you do this to a poor girl like me?" she inquired of me in a manner that did not inspire any sort of sympathy in me -- she likely knew how to play poker better than most of the guys on this table. I stammer out some sort of apology, despite being 20 red chips richer. "You're not sorry" she points out. I wasn't. "I'm Jamie".

Three shots and a couple stacks later, I'm suddenly the "MIT kid" despite at least 3 Asian dudes who are my age sitting at the table. Dusty and I began laughing together about some of the craziness at the table -- what can I say I was running hot as the sun. Jamie openly calls me "so cute" at the table, and told me that she too went to PENN for grad school. I ask her if she graduated, to which Dusty said "you had it until that, buddy". She reacts quickly - "Did 'I' graduate? What do you think?" Obviously I thought she didn't judging by my previous conception of her.

The funniest part -- I think she never did graduate from grad school there. She never answered the question. She volunteered how I was the most attractive player at the table after her last shot, to which I saw the opportunity to leave. Dusty contends "She likes the young guys", and I postulated that maybe it was a good time to exit the situation before I either deflate her ego or subject myself to an awkward situation. She got stacked again, and I gave her a side hug and shook the hands of the dudes who had given me several hundred dollars. Her hands slipped inside of my shirt for just a second, and she wiggled her fingers. I told her "I'd be around", and left as fast as I could.

The reality of these people was fortunate for my current predicament of feeling dreary and dull towards social interaction in general. I lost my social core, it was raped and pillaged by graduation. Thank God for real people who have real desires and emotions. They continue to teach me what it means to be human.

I'm back.

Greetings from North Dakota

It's good to be home. I'm listening to synthpop, chilling downstairs in my dad's office, just enjoying life. It was great to go out to Dempsey's and see Becca K., Than, Austin, and some kids from high school that I haven't seen or talked to for a very long time.

I just had a great idea. I think I'm going to start posting things publicly that are more essay-ish, and write personal posts like this privately or not shared. Good. That is a good idea.

Jordan

I'm Gone.

Good evening (morning) world,

I'm gone (can't remember if it's starcraft Ghosts or Red Alert 2 liquidifier dudes).

I recently got a job in finance in NYC! I am very very pumped! God is good, for certain. I have been searching for a job for 9 months, which isn't even that long if you think about it. The work and prayers have been answered with a pretty cool internship up in the City.

In other news, I'm in one of the most stable and secure spots of my life right now, and it's showing. I definitely have a lot more searching to do and figuring out my beliefs and otherwise, but at the same time I am very excited to have the experiences I have had, and to have the opportunity that I am going to have coming forward.

I don't really feel like writing much here, but here's a short list of things I am doing:

1. Writing emails to all the people in my life that have affected me greatly in college
2. Searching for a place to live in NYC
3. Checking out new music daily
4. Playing poker
5. Hanging out with tons of rad people in Philly all the time
6. Not reading, but I will be soon
7. Loving life, calling my friends often
8. Eating dominoes
9. Not getting fat
10. Making lists and getting them done (so I really am type A. Sue me)

I am Accomplishment

Hello.

Today I:

Applied for 15 jobs
Gave away 3 boxes of clothing
Made two separate trips to the bank to deposit money
Cleaned my room/excommunicated things that were not mine

and I'm about to go do some work

Yay productivity!

I'm July

Here's what I think:

The continuation of the Ivy League tradition into a high-level, well-paid job is not dissimilar from the transition from high school into an Ivy League college. When you first arrive, you are all nervous and don't know what's going to happen, but within a short amount of time you are so bombarded with fun events and pre-planned social outings that you can't help but meet new people and feel comfortable where you are at. Going through life in an incubation unit is very easy for those who have money or talent.

I'd be curious to know what it is like to actually have a difficult time with most of my life. I've been blessed with a loving family, financial solvency, academic ability, and numerous extraordinary companions that have helped me throughout my life. Sometimes even the absence of problems, in the serious sense, in my own life is enough the provide the salve on the wound of someone else.

I found it a little difficult to come out of college without some sort of a complex. I was surrounded by brilliant kids from all over the world who were working their hardest to become doctors, Ph.D's, lawyers, bankers, or what have you. The world felt dull in comparison. However, it is horrendous of me to undervalue life experience from people who haven't had the same experiences that I have. I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to not do this.

It's weird. I want my wife to be smarter than me, to understand poetry and literature in ways that I never could, and to have the ability to make me look like an intellectual ignoramus (something I am from time to time). While hopefully she won't do this regularly, it is certain that she must have this ability. I need someone smarter than me to teach me humility, and to find intellectual sparks in the ever loneliest of souls.

I'm Pottery.

Good evening.

I write to you from Washington Heights, not the Westin, where my parents are staying. It's just more fun to stay with my brother, because he's as nerdy as I am.

I am doing well. I got to see Kaegan last night, we went to a dive Irish bar called McGee's and I got some Magner's Cider, which was quite delicious. It's good to catch up with friends. I also got to see Matt and Pamela, which was good. My cousin came to NY today, because he is, according to Cosmopolitan, "The Most Eligible Bachelor in North Dakota". Good work Jesse.

I have been working for a professor since coming back to the States, doing database and catalog work for a huge dig in north Jordan. It's called the Dhiban project, and you better believe I'm going to get written up when the project comes out.

Life is really good. I'm friends with my ex-girlfriend again, which is pretty nice. I definitely feel so much better about myself when I have mostly good relationships with my locale. Loose ends where your relationship is left in disarray just bother me, and leave me restless.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going to be in 3 months, but once again that is the beauty of life, and I really shouldn't be fretting. Philadelphia is a great city, but I recently rediscovered New York when I hung out south of Houston a couple days ago. That was really neat, and I would definitely come to love NY if I moved here. San Francisco and other cities seem like options as well, so I'm not trying to move too quickly.

Josh is moving to London, which is a happy and sad thing as the same time for me. I'm very pumped that he is doing what he wants to deep down, which is to have a new experience and be outside of his comfort zone in a new place. However, of course I'm going to miss the heck out of him and really wish he was back here, grooving along with me.

This is a standard post, but I'm not really feeling any sort of revelation right now. That's okay. I don't always need to be discovering great secrets of the world, although its nice to have them pass through me every once in awhile.

I want to:

Read some books this summer
Buy a loop pedal and maybe some other gear
Perform a show with said loop pedal
Find a job
Get healthy and go running often

That's my short to-do-list. We will see what happens in the meantime...

Ahhhhhh

I am home.

Hello Philadelphia.

A more centralized collection of my thoughts

"We all well know, we are gonna reap what we sow, we all well know, what crops are gonna grow"

- Aaron Weiss

It's June 6th, 2009. I have graduated from the University of Pennsylvania (finally), and I am taking a trip to Europe with some of my best friends. I am 22 years old, single, with no job, with a multitude of interests with the widest paths ahead of me. Two of my closest friends are far away (North Dakota & London soon), and I'm about to be "left" in some ways in Philadelphia. It's weird how context matters so much for personality, the way that a different persona surfaces depending on who exists presently in the situation.

What's the ideal world for me? Sometimes I think that that answer is simple: writing music I like and being generous to my friends, family, God, and the world with everything that I have. However there are too many factors to just answer it and go (supposedly). I have the most pragmatic undergraduate degree in existence, which entitles me to far beyond my deserving share of resources, opportunity, and social status.

But who cares? The people I'm closest to would think the exact same of me if I went to a community college, or no college at all. The people I'm closest to are college drop-outs, graphic designers, nursing home attendants, trapped Fargoans, church workers, etc. What do I long for? There is no value is scenes, unless it's a scene of my friends that I'm close to. Pi Lam was so hilarious during my two-year stint there for that very reason. There were all these people that drew social ladders and lines that ended up just being noise, and then there were my true friends, who loved to hang out and have an amazing time.

I've had a good amount of time to think while I'm here. While I've dated many people, it's probable that the only two relationships I could've given myself wholly to I've royally screwed over and have probably lost for good. Yet I can't really look back with significant regret, because I did what I had to, and I was motivated by so much more than some paltry personal decision. It's really frustrating being in Europe, at 22, and seeing nearly every young man with a young woman (or sometimes, in rare cases and countries, another young man), and being happy as all get out. I am admittedly lonely, and still not settling for insignificant relationships and fleeting opportunities that are more based on selfishness than anything else. However, this does not detract from the significant appeal of putting my best leg forward and impressing someone for an evening. It's sad to consider that my self-confidence would temporarily be boosted if I decided that some girl was worth impressing, and then sufficiently impressed her for a day or two while on this journey.

It does not help that I have no central location of worship, and difficulty in my consideration of God. While I do not believe that a bunch of random people somewhere who all believe the same thing should have any effect on my spiritual journey, I must say that it is easier to feel God when you worship weekly, which I have not done for some time.

Joshua Veit, John Bninski and I decided to attend part of a Catholic Mass today that was sung. I believe I have written about my love for Gregorian chant before. It was marvelous, the great hall of the Catedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore echoing with Italian priests and devout Catholics singing. It was a 5:15 PM mass, and despite being a tourist attraction remarkably unattended. There were maybe fifty people in church that evening. The organ sounded and the mass was sung over it. I do not know what part of the mass we walked in on, nor which arrangement of the mass we heard, but it was just immobilizing, the texture of the music causing me to feel small and very mortal and indelicate.

I'm eager to return to Philadelphia. Not just to "get on" with my life, but because I generally hate transitional phases. I long for a community of people that I can invest in and that can invest in me for not just a short period of time. A "last hurrah" has fleeting value for me, because I gain so much from continuity and the exploration of it. I think this is the value I attribute to finding the person that I will be in love with for the rest of my life. I am going to experience so much and understand so much of the world, but of what value is that if it just me? Surely I will tell my friends and family of my exploits, but there's such a ridiculous pull to having a closest friend also be your romantic lover. I could've taken a boat around Venice (I didn't) with my friends here, and it would have remained a platonic endeavor. However if it were she and I, it would most definitely transform into something more significant. Perhaps this significance is personal generation, after years of American culture programming, but who cares? I value this thing, therefore I am not ashamed of admitting desire for it.

I've prayed about this quite a bit, and it appears that more patience is required on my end. This is not an unlikely scenario, so I have resolved to make the best use of my time until she gets here (haha).

However I do not take my situation for granted. I am as free as anyone has ever been, ever. My contemporaries are the 49ers (real ones, not the football team), christopher columbus, Marco Polo, James Cook, etc. I am free to sail any direction I so choose, which is actually a power that is probably vested in me for some sort of reason. But how do I choose?

The first steps of my choice begin in approximately four days. Here we go.

oh by the way

i just graduated from college.

not

i thought she was holding a book, but she only had cigarettes..

europa!

off to europe we go.

half of me is evil

half of me is evil and half of me is not
half of me is part of me and half of me i lost
half of me is evil and half of me is not

half of me is evil and half of me is not
i am witty repartee and labile honest thought
half of me is evil and half of me is not

you'll knock on my door but i can't you in
there's garbage in the yard and the stable's caving in
you'll knock on my door but i'll never let you in
brighter grass and whiter fences are just around the bend

half of me is evil and half of me is not

my dream

the opening sequence:

anywhere from 15 to 20 males are playing around and enjoying themselves. They are in a hotel room that seems like it is of the very highest caliber. They are all of college age.

There is an over the board tendency to the level of play. There is some question as to whether or not they are actually being safe. The hotel room is at least on the 40th floor of a Las Vegas strip property. There are two balconies, and on both the dudes are playing catch with baseballs and jumping around as if falling off the edge would be no problem whatsoever. It's unclear if they are drunk, reckless, or just ignorant to their own mortality.

It's clear that the hotel room isn't theirs. The sequence leaves the viewer very nervous that someone is going to die despite the light-hearted nature of the scene. The scene focuses in on the one balcony, and two males are talking. There is some sort of argument, but it's not serious. One seems to be convinced that the owner is coming home soon. The other isn't worried about it.

A quick cut to the original person walking out of the balcony and into the bathroom shows a trashed bathroom. water is pouring out onto the floor, the shower is running, shampoo bottles litter the floor. He also realizes that most of the guys have left or are leaving. However he takes some responsibility and realizes that the water isn't draining because the drain isn't open, and opens the drain.

The front door to the apartment slams. It's obvious the owner just got home. You hear step, step, step, and then the bathroom opens.

The original young man who was fixing the bathroom stammers out a tirade of apologies, and the older man smiles. He then says "this is nothing that I didn't forsee happening when I lent you guys the place". He then smiles again after saying this.

The scene cuts to the two men both standing in a more enclosed lounging room. There are two blankets crumpled up on two couches, and it's questionable as to whether there are people underneath them. The young man and the older man continue talking, and the young man is obviously trying to network with the older man with some sort of assumption that he works in the finance industry.

"Can I have your card?"

"Sure! What kind of phone do you have?"

"Phone? Why's that? Do you work for Verizon or something?"

"I probably built the technology that's inside of it. I'm a nano-engineer and I build very small parts for specialized electronics like phones"

"Oh..." *obviously a little dejected*

*The older man snatches the younger man's phone from his hand* "A blackberry eh?, Is this an 8330?"

"Yeah."

"Interesting..." *The older man scrolls through the phone*

*obviously uncomfortable* "Well... Thanks!" *reaches for his phone back*

"Wait, but what about the other phones, did you look at other models of phones before you bought this one?"

*increasingly weirded out and wanting to leave* "Yeah... I mean this seemed like the best one or whatever. I like it. Anyways..."

*interrupting* "Have you found it to be everything you require?" *stares directly at younger man from 4-5 feet away*

"I mean, sure, I guess. It's worked great"

*One of the blankets move and a head peeks out*

"Vern, when did you get back?"

The younger man is less concerned with a perceived sexual tension between him and the older man, but now concerned with the age discrepancy between this older man and the newly perceived lover that he had never seen before seemingly on this couch the entire party that they had.

"Oh just now, I was at the convention until late. What have you and Jess been doing?"

*the other blanket ruffles and moves*

"Dad? We've been... sleeping...." *tired*

The younger man is still trying to wrap his head on the relationships between all the people in the room. He is torn between wanting to catch up with his friends and the simple curiosity of a new situation and new people that he's never seen before. He is baffled because the two girls were seemingly sleeping under blankets for the entire loud party, and only wake up when their father, the owner or renter of this condo or hotel comes back.

The young man looks over at the first girl that spoke, and commented

"One of your eyes, it looks like the make-up got rubbed off or something."

*The first girl immediately becomes mortified*

The scene then cuts to a golden hued scene where the first girl is a small child. The camera is immediately behind her, and she in running as any four year old would. She is running in some sort of grand hall or long way. The camera dramatically turns to her left as she turns to the left to face the wall in the middle of the hall, and she is turning towards a mirror.

She looks at herself, and she has a horrible birthmark that has removed all of the pigment from her skin directly around her eye. However because she is four, she only looks at herself in curiosity, not out of a level where she perceived herself to be less attractive than others.

Then a time sequence occurs at the mirror. The girl ages, and you see her become more dissatisfied with her birthmark as she reaches puberty, and then you see a sly smile creep up on her lips as her discovery of make-up allows her to cover up her birthmark. She is unable to fully cover up her birthmark due to the violent difference between the pigment of her face and the birthmark area, but she can obviously be fairly attractive using appropriate cover-up makeup.

*end scene*

sometimes

i just wanna settle

Government Type Video

I recently watched a video on wimp.com that was most excellent. It discussed the different types of government that exist, how they come to be, and their sustainability.

The five forms of government they reduced the world to are: Monarchy, Oligarchy, Democracy, Republic, or Anarchy

I actually think this approach to government makes the most sense, as long as people don't mind including things like Nazism and Fascism within the idea of Monarchy.

Let's begin with Monarchy, the rule of one. The video immediately points out that no country, especially in the Modern Age, is ruled by a single person. Kings have their court, dictators have their councils and political party members, even Alexander the Great and Napoleon III had to deal with the subordinates views and were held subject to the whims of those closest to themselves.

It moves Monarchy into Oligarchy, the rule of the elite. We will come back to Oligarchy at the end.

Democracy is the rule of the majority. The video argues that while the majorities interests will always be served, that immediately the most important issue to consider is when the interests of the majority are not utilitarian, or the "tryanny of the majority" occurs. While it seems that surely the majority opinion cannot be unreasonable by nature of what the majority opinion signifies ("majority rule" is built into us since our very first days of which video game to play or what thing to do at recess), many modern-day Americans are convinced that somehow the interests of the people are not being served.

While I would never argue that the interests of all American people are being served at any given time, I do not find the majority rule to be tyrannical for an extended period of time. People became so upset with George Walker Bush's recent presidency that they rallied for Barack Obama and got him elected. It's likely that if Bush's presidency was mediocre, or even moderately good, there would have been a much more boring election this year than there was.

However inherent in democracy is one group ruling over another group. It's always the majority versus the minority, and while it seems to be fairest, it's possible that there is a fairer way.

Republic is next, but we'll skip that for later too.

Anarchy is of course, no government. The best governmental spectrum explores the amount of government, not how left or right they are. There is either full government, some government, or no government. Libertarians are closest to anarchists, and many modern-day social liberals are closest to fascists and authoritarian forms of government. It's pretty obvious why anarchy doesn't work, but if someone is unconvinced, I'd be more than happy to share.

So one of the main arguments of the video was that Democracy either moves to an oligarchy or a republic. The idea is that a republic is rule by law, while oligarchy is rule by the elite. Oligarchy makes law submit to the whims of whatever elite that exists, whether it be a religious sect, the majority, the political party in power, or what have you. A republic says that the laws make the people submit to itself, and that the government effectively is there to support and uphold the law, but not to change it.

I consider myself to be a classical liberal. This upholds the original liberal position, which adheres to Laissez-faire economic principles and minimal government. I consider oligarchy to be an abomination in most forms, and marginally unacceptable as a democracy. While law needs to be updated constantly, and one must take special care to ensure that laws that uphold the the absolute values of the founders of the country, I do believe that we should be subject to laws, not above the laws, like demigods.

We have taken, in the United States, the position that if we are able to convince the majority of something, it becomes correct. However there are "market failures" with this viewpoint all of the time. Think slavery, racism, sexism, unjust wars, etc. However I think the founding fathers of our country were way ahead of our time in their ideas of free speech, a fair trial, the republic, etc. Now the media has become the center stage. Instead of enticing votes by force, we entice using clever words and images, through planned speeches and television and internet events. We use subversive advertising and giant parades, public spectacle and the works. Yet we use all of this to dictate the base laws and foundation of our country.

It's scary at best. While I don't necessarily agree that democracy always will slide into either a republic or an oligarchy, I still consider it under the realm of an oligarchy with the majority being the elite. I say that because oligarchy usually indicates social caste, religious practice, wealth, or some other distinguishable trait. However in a democracy, it could definitely occur where the rule of the majority is the rule of the lowest class, the proletariat.

a BiG weekend

Wow.

What a weekend. New Brothers. I'm very impressed. Very fun times hanging out with Mike and Sarah B, as well as good movie-watching with Josh Henky.

This was the first weekend I ever punched someone in the face seriously. Interesting.

Also what a great first brothers meeting. Laughs, beer, cookies, and smiles all around. I'll be happy to pass on my KoE post to someone who's willing to handle the responsibility.

In other news:

1. Woodchuck Apple Cider is a tasty beverage
2. The Dead Milkmen are playing BBQ WOW
3. I've written a LOT of great poetry recently and cool electric guitar parts
4. I'm happy with being single
5. Welches grape juice does make you poo, for sure, when you drink like 1/2 of one of those big guys
6. I bought Josh a banjo
7. I have found a lot of value in life. Great amounts of value.
8. Prayer is great

fargo, bon shanse!

good luck
Fargo

how do i feel?

Hi.

I feel pretty good today. My room is relatively clean, and I'm going to get some work done. Last nights BYO was pretty fun. I don't know if I've had squid before, but it was rubbery and not too bad.

School is winding down. I can feel the end of college's breath on the back of my neck. It's good though. I'm in a great place and excited for the future. Living in Brooklyn with all of the all-stars that I am going to live with will be very exciting indeed. I am willing to bet that there will never be a dull moment.

We talked about water today in Markets, Morality, and the Future of Capitalism. While I'm not as familiar with the frameworks we are supposed to use to evaluate the problem, it seems to be a complex one at that. I obviously do not support bribery for private companies to take over water sources in nations that are unable to pay for it; I do no support redistribution of water sources from poor areas into rich areas because the water is sold more easily there. However something I continue to think about is that food, in most respects being very similar to water, is fully integrated into the market and people are not upset about that. People are upset that many do not have the right amount of food due to market processes, but they rarely question the fact that food is sold in the first place.

Personally I don't see a difference. I am teetering right now as to whether I believe food and water are rights. If I were to say that they are, I would feel pressured to, as a global citizen, find some means through governmental institutions to provide these rights for all. Market systems make this very complicated.

One interesting statistic is that peoples birth rate goes down as their income level increases. This means that the more money a person makes, the less likely they are to have a lot of kids. One thing I am unable to understand is, if families in poor third world nations do not have enough food and water to provide for themselves, why do they continue to procreate? If a child dies from hunger, and the mother continues to have children, what level of responsibility do I, a global citizen, have towards this mother?

While I understand there are significant cultural practices that contribute to these family sizes, as well as rape, bad information about sex, etc., I'm still baffled by how many men and women bring children into the world that they are unable to care for, in first-world countries and third-world alike.

I know it sounds heartless to say that water and food are not rights. However, I think that progress should be met with pragmatism, and that we should not hold ourselves to a standard until the standard has been set. I want every person to have food and water for certain, however we are not yet a global community, responsible to each other for better or for worse. We come from a very Darwinian mindset, shown through our competitive economy, our vying for personal acceptance from potential mates, our desire to be funny and popular in social situations, etc. People are not yet born to be others focused.

I think that a significant cultural change needs to happen for this to be so. I think it involves a new Church of Christian believers that are more focused on basic needs than Proposition 8, a reduction of consumerism and personal choice as one of the highest central goods, and perhaps even social service being integrated into our education system. How cool would it have been in high school and college if we were required to serve our community in some capacity and to interact with those who are less fortunate then ourselves? There is much to be said and even more to be done...

two posts in one day? preposterous!

I have to write down my great ideas more often.

Ah dang. I realized while I was writing it here that it basically was wikipedia. Dang it.

Well, at least someone else is carrying out this great idea.

two videos, one old one new

classtime, but blogtime

i'm currently in class.

it's a good day. i'm putting josh and my most recent adventure during spring break on a computer in the library, and i'm going to edit it into a great video.

I've been reading through James, which has been very good. I have learned much and gained much.

Recording with my brother went well. Our music will shortly be online here.

We are looking at condos/lofts in brooklyn. We have found a lot of cool stuff so far, and hopefully will find a winner relatively soon.

I had an interview last week, and have another one this week. Things seem pretty good for that outlook.

trying to characterize my evening

hello

So I think it's time for a "brutally honest" blog. I don't think anyone really reads this, and if you do you are either a. awesome or b. a close friend of mine and also awesome.

I've had a really tough time of it with my faith over the past year. 2008 was by far the hardest year to believe in God, and to try to live as a Christian, with the mindset, morality, drive, etc. When I think about it, I have a variety of thoughts I consider valuable in my analysis.

First off, while I do believe that people can be brainwashed, misled, taught wrongly, etc., I don't think, as time approaches infinity, that people can truly believe something they don't believe. What I mean by that is this: If something starts to feel phony or fake, and you find yourself forcing something out that doesn't exist inside of you or if you are pushing to be a certain way that you aren't, then you are going to get "looked up" by someone or the weight of the facade you are fabricating will collapse on top of you.

I've dealt with the issue of "faith" my whole life. For me, it's not the things of Christianity that trouble me. If Christianity is what the world is, if Israel really was God's people, Judaism was the correct religion until Christ came as the fulfillment of God's promises, to which He did the work which was required to save people from eternal separation with God, so be it. I have no problems with Christianity, especially as someone who's learned in the faith, if it's the real deal. There are many many hard passages in the Bible, terrible histories created by people purporting the name of Christ, and just a general bad taste in the United States for Christian people, but I have absolutely no problem with Christianity if it's right.

The problem has been for me whether or not it's right. Using my ultra-logical brain, I can run all these socio-cultural analyses and find that throughout much of the history of Judaism and Christianity, there has been difficulty in combining all of the elements into one sound religion. Internally there are enough volumes on the shelves of merely the types of Christianity that you couldn't read all of them with a hundred lives, or even a thousand.

We don't document miracles using video. Why wouldn't miracles be documented if they are so out of the ordinary? I'm not trying to be faithless, but rather faithful in that I believe that something like a miracle like my mother beating off breast cancer over this past year can happen. It did happen. I like to think that it's a miracle, because I know so many ladies have passed away from the disease over the past several decades. I like to think that God has preserved my mom and that I'm going to get to grow old with her. I love her and I would do anything for her. Absolutely anything.

It's difficult to reconcile the simple debate that many of the wars that occur currently are about who's pie in the sky is bigger, better, or more real. I feel like an ignorant buffoon if, every time I hear about the battles in Israel, I think "it's too bad they are fighting for Allah versus Elohim, because they are both wrong and they should learn Christ". How can I, even with all of my experiences, assume that I landed on the right side of things, that I'm the one who gets it, that I can speak so clearly and with such vigor that I know what is Right and True.

I live with the dichotomy. I live with burden. It's difficult. It's very yin-yang, in the sense that Christianity and this linear reduction of my world around me do not coincide very easily. One must swallow the other whole at some point.

Over the past year a battle raged. Christians would say that Satan had taken strongholds, atheists and humanists would say that I was steps closer to become truly free. I wasn't going crazy, I'm still a virgin, haven't done hard drugs, didn't hurt anybody physically, wasn't running around wrecking homes or anything. I just was, off doing my own thing or whatever. A good question, I think right here, was "how was it?" Both Christians and everyone else should be curious.

It was awful. I've never been more depressed in my life, and I've made mistake after mistake after mistake. I failed at getting a job, I hurt one of the coolest people I've ever met in a very significant way, I let my friends continue in unhealthy activities and relationships, I spent more hours jamming away on meaningless nonsense then ever before. I think why this was is because I lost purpose in my life.

So I tried to cope. This first semester of my senior year I spiraled even harder, being depressed and loathing myself even more than the summer and second semester junior year. I watched porn consistently, reduced most of my female relationships to flirtatious banter, rarely sought out my closest friends to hang out or do something remotely meaningful. This is all not to mention that I was on the leadership team for Penn Students for Christ, and the worship leader to boot. I let out feelings that were two years two late for an old friend, and suffered the whiplash of realizing that that was just wasn't current and didn't apply to our lives as they stood.

It wasn't just the things that I did, but the lack of things that I used to do. I rarely read the Bible, prayed, thought about others, cared enough to ask people how they were doing. I was so enveloped with self that I had little room for anyone else. It felt like I had less and less time for me, so I took more and more. As I'm writing this I know it, in a cheesy way, looks like something from a Christian magazine or something, but this is just the honest truth.

Without going into too much personal detail, I let all of my best friends down. I drank too much more than once, and just wasn't zoomed in on anything except for what I wanted. Christmas break was just whatever. I love being with my family, but I really don't even remember what I did.

So enter Jordan, spring 2009, second semester of my senior year. There is no night and day here. I've had some really tough days, and some really amazing ones. Today was both.

It's Feburary 11, 2009. I'm turning 22 in 15 days. I really was "born this Thursday, 22 years ago" (thanks jon foreman). Classes were fine, but computer games and poker both just went crappy. I also am just so frazzled with these intense feelings I've had. My day started going pretty awful, and around 10:30 I realized that I needed to get out.

I grabbed my bike, hopped on outside of PiLam, and just booked it. I biked past her place, looking for a parking garage where I could read the Word or something or just sit and yell at God for awhile. I ended up going downtown. There were no parking garages (my favorite place). Well the tops at least. Every single one was manned with... well.. a man. They wouldn't have liked my biking past. I biked around City Hall, and just went back and forth looking for garages and wondering why everything I had read in the Word recently talked about discipline. Three different chapters from three different books hit on it.

I hit the Chestnut bridge, one street over from where we jumped off last year on Hey Day. It really was a 60-65 foot drop. There's no joke, it was actually relatively dangerous. I just got off my bike, looked around to make sure I was completely alone, and just started to talk to God, hoping that He was there or something. Man this really feels like a Christian magazine, but yeah, this is just my life. I guess my life is kind of like a Christian magazine. Ew. Only some parts.

So I busted open James again, because I believe that if Christianity is real and YHWH really is God, then He's going to speak to me through his Word, and He's going to speak to me right where I'm reading. The weirdest and most peculiar thing about my faith is that, with almost 100% success, when I am truly reading God's Word, I've always found what I'm looking for, or what I didn't know I was looking for. I readily accept the notion that my mind could take the books I'm reading and cross apply them to my life in a very personal way, but regardless, it was oddly and strangely personal what I read:

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:
Greetings.


Testing of Your Faith

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

9Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. 11For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

12Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and(Y) sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

16Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth,(AE) that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.




So... yeah. I mean even with everything you just read, you can see how that information and writing from James, believed to be teaching from God, has a pretty serious and lasting impact on where I'm at in my faith journey. The version I read had "perseverance" instead of steadfastness, which are basically the same thing, and it was just so nuts to see that. I've lived with this dichotomy so long, and I never thought that it meant everything except for that I suck.

I guess this passage is clear that I don't suck. That this was all for something, not for nothing. That surely I've gained perseverance through it.So I asked God for wisdom tonight. I asked believing. I believe God's going to give me wisdom. I prayed for my friendships and relationships, I talked with God about all the hard things. I want to share with you the ending dialogue of my evening.

I actually want to preface it with another paragraph, because I believe special attention should be drawn to it. Christ has forgiven the sins of those who serve Him, love Him, and who've made him the focal point of their being. Surely I am not a good example of a Christian since these are the requisites, but I'm some sort nonetheless. I burst out, just really charged at God because I've been yelling at Him for almost twelve years now to jump out of the river like Poseidon. I really just want some clear personal proof that God is IT and that even if other people don't have the luxury of knowing, at least I could know so that I can be certain when I'm telling others. That is where I am coming from:



ME: "God, God. Seriously you can't blame me for these years.

All these mistakes are from lack of faith, and my lack of faith is rooted in my own ability to perceive you.

Why is so hard? Surely you understand this God, you can't blame me for this."

*beat*

GOD: "I don't."

*pause*

*longer*

ME: "You should."







It was sweet. Not like gnarly, but actually sugar-sweet, to taste that simple dialogue. Surely it is objectively beautiful. It felt real to me.

wow its been a long time

okay so i'm not non-existant. i promise

here are some recent thoughts:

i have lived a generation (my friends are starting to have kids)
i really enjoy where i live and the people that i interact with, but sometimes other peoples insecurities really draw out the worst in me.
i like new friends
i really like old ones
i've sucked, badly, to many people over the past year and a half. i don't have excuses, but i have been sad at times.
i've tried many new things
i've enjoyed many old ones
i write good poetry with the influence of alcohol
and also good poetry without it
naruto is still amazing
and so is josh veit
what will i do for spring break? don't know.

two more classes

but this is more important

very heartwarming