A more centralized collection of my thoughts

"We all well know, we are gonna reap what we sow, we all well know, what crops are gonna grow"

- Aaron Weiss

It's June 6th, 2009. I have graduated from the University of Pennsylvania (finally), and I am taking a trip to Europe with some of my best friends. I am 22 years old, single, with no job, with a multitude of interests with the widest paths ahead of me. Two of my closest friends are far away (North Dakota & London soon), and I'm about to be "left" in some ways in Philadelphia. It's weird how context matters so much for personality, the way that a different persona surfaces depending on who exists presently in the situation.

What's the ideal world for me? Sometimes I think that that answer is simple: writing music I like and being generous to my friends, family, God, and the world with everything that I have. However there are too many factors to just answer it and go (supposedly). I have the most pragmatic undergraduate degree in existence, which entitles me to far beyond my deserving share of resources, opportunity, and social status.

But who cares? The people I'm closest to would think the exact same of me if I went to a community college, or no college at all. The people I'm closest to are college drop-outs, graphic designers, nursing home attendants, trapped Fargoans, church workers, etc. What do I long for? There is no value is scenes, unless it's a scene of my friends that I'm close to. Pi Lam was so hilarious during my two-year stint there for that very reason. There were all these people that drew social ladders and lines that ended up just being noise, and then there were my true friends, who loved to hang out and have an amazing time.

I've had a good amount of time to think while I'm here. While I've dated many people, it's probable that the only two relationships I could've given myself wholly to I've royally screwed over and have probably lost for good. Yet I can't really look back with significant regret, because I did what I had to, and I was motivated by so much more than some paltry personal decision. It's really frustrating being in Europe, at 22, and seeing nearly every young man with a young woman (or sometimes, in rare cases and countries, another young man), and being happy as all get out. I am admittedly lonely, and still not settling for insignificant relationships and fleeting opportunities that are more based on selfishness than anything else. However, this does not detract from the significant appeal of putting my best leg forward and impressing someone for an evening. It's sad to consider that my self-confidence would temporarily be boosted if I decided that some girl was worth impressing, and then sufficiently impressed her for a day or two while on this journey.

It does not help that I have no central location of worship, and difficulty in my consideration of God. While I do not believe that a bunch of random people somewhere who all believe the same thing should have any effect on my spiritual journey, I must say that it is easier to feel God when you worship weekly, which I have not done for some time.

Joshua Veit, John Bninski and I decided to attend part of a Catholic Mass today that was sung. I believe I have written about my love for Gregorian chant before. It was marvelous, the great hall of the Catedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore echoing with Italian priests and devout Catholics singing. It was a 5:15 PM mass, and despite being a tourist attraction remarkably unattended. There were maybe fifty people in church that evening. The organ sounded and the mass was sung over it. I do not know what part of the mass we walked in on, nor which arrangement of the mass we heard, but it was just immobilizing, the texture of the music causing me to feel small and very mortal and indelicate.

I'm eager to return to Philadelphia. Not just to "get on" with my life, but because I generally hate transitional phases. I long for a community of people that I can invest in and that can invest in me for not just a short period of time. A "last hurrah" has fleeting value for me, because I gain so much from continuity and the exploration of it. I think this is the value I attribute to finding the person that I will be in love with for the rest of my life. I am going to experience so much and understand so much of the world, but of what value is that if it just me? Surely I will tell my friends and family of my exploits, but there's such a ridiculous pull to having a closest friend also be your romantic lover. I could've taken a boat around Venice (I didn't) with my friends here, and it would have remained a platonic endeavor. However if it were she and I, it would most definitely transform into something more significant. Perhaps this significance is personal generation, after years of American culture programming, but who cares? I value this thing, therefore I am not ashamed of admitting desire for it.

I've prayed about this quite a bit, and it appears that more patience is required on my end. This is not an unlikely scenario, so I have resolved to make the best use of my time until she gets here (haha).

However I do not take my situation for granted. I am as free as anyone has ever been, ever. My contemporaries are the 49ers (real ones, not the football team), christopher columbus, Marco Polo, James Cook, etc. I am free to sail any direction I so choose, which is actually a power that is probably vested in me for some sort of reason. But how do I choose?

The first steps of my choice begin in approximately four days. Here we go.