yeah okay alright okay i see yeah you got it

http://jordanregan.googlepages.com/flagoptions.mp3

new room new times

josh c and his barked tree

2 weeks

nothing is as raw as the time you set it

hi

my name is jordan. i'm 21 and 1/2 years old, and a rising senior in college. turns out, life isn't what you think it is. you are given all of these choices and options and varieties and flavors, and some taste better and feel better and work out better, and some fire other synapses in your brain, causing discomfort, pain, humiliation, defeat, and depression.

i'm doing well. 2:41 am, in my house, 4 people sleeping in the main room listening to beyonce. all of her songs are the same as the next one. it could be the mark of the producer though i guess.

i have all of these great ideas that i forget to write down. i'm going to start to write them down because it's important that other people know! i just don't really know how to write. i'd say a lot of people would consider me a rather concise speaker, and at times eloquent even, but i'm frustrated that communication is still such a problem for me. it's really similar to the idea that you can teach someone how to play poker, but you can't teach them how to play poker.

i got over my ex-girlfriend a couple weeks ago. it took me 2 1/2 years. I can't tell if this loyalty is one of the most attractive traits I have, or if it's something that was a one-trick pony and now I'll never really know how to trust someone with all of my intimacy again.

to speak -- intimacy (romantic, sic) for me means that when we are together that I actually care about what happens, and about what she says, and if there's a glance that doesn't like my joke I can't get it out of my head for the rest of the evening, and if theres a fight i won't sleep, and if shes upset i'll do anything to ease her discomfort. it's pathetic in a way, but it's so @#$%ing real that I'm not going to say that I don't meet this active aorta of activity called life every-so-often.

turns out, nearly every girl i've had a crush on/fling with has a boyfriend right now. it's absolutely hilarious. i mean, i suppose it'd be fitting, considering i'm finally "free" in a significant way, that my freedom in many ways relates to 20 years without parole, releasing into a new life, getting re-adjusted into society, what a weird crime i've committed, loyalty, as if that was something to be ashamed of.

matt knows what i'm talking about. he knows e-x-a-c-t-l-y what i'm talking about. all we have is loyalty, all we have is the greatest vision, the most amount of love, excitement and a puppy-dog face, and yet God demands our steadfast trust in pain tolerance and emotional unease. not that i actually know what torture feels like, or that i'd somehow cast myself as a person who has been through difficult times. my life hasn't been difficult. i've never worried about money or my own ability to do something, or having friends or being accepted (well, there was always middle school).

i guess what i'm trying to say is, "you must not know-bout me". nah, beyonce. but maybe i'm trying to say that i'm special. isn't that why people write blogs? Either "i'm special" or "i hope i have value to someone enough to read this".

and then maybe it's just me or maybe it's everyone but there's this weird self-valuation thing that i don't quite understand, but i think i understand, where i talk to myself when im by myself, and i refer to myself as a different person as the me who's talking, and we have conversations, and i ask myself questions and answer them, and i end up loving myself, so much, and admiring myself, and sympathizing with the things I don't do well, and getting excited about the things I could do or am doing, and i strengthen up for long Ethan Frome winters and the inevitable spring-fall-in-love, the summer heat that I hate, and the fall hustle that grows out my hair again and then asks me where i spent my time because it probably wasn't doing soomething productive.

Immediate reaction

I'll be recording a new video blog in parts later today, but I thought this was an interesting exercise.

I recorded myself immediately after getting home from not receiving an offer, and this was my reaction.

some things im excited about

yes youtube links work.

This is a great example of me.





Watch 4 or 5 times below in order to get the full effect

CORRECTION

CORRECTION:

I already took a jewish girl on a date once. IT WAS GREAT! HER NAME IS "sensitive information".

why scratching works

you itch, so you scratch it.

so many hours banking, definitely a lot of fun. trying to figure out if this is the life for me. I definitely enjoy the business side of it, but I can't help but wonder if 25 years will go be extremely fast, and then suddenly im rich and 46, and not really sure what it was like to be a young adult.

i really don't know what that looks like. i'm looking for a community of people. i want people who think about things in a comprehensive way, that cares about each other, that has grooves and idiosyncracies that I can touch and understand. very much like where I live now (in philly)

I guess I get a rush out of things I can't explain. People who defy their nature, and people who defy me. I sometimes wonder why people don't pick up on the patterns in other people, and then I realize that people don't think that way and I realize that I'm basically over-analytical to the point where I don't really live, I just find the category for the person I meet and move on. I'm like a very small science experiment, existing in your life only for a short while in order to get your ratings, understand your experience, and then digest.

my friend emily understands. it cost her a lot though. she lives out of a travel bag, and has never spent more than 2 years in one place. she's too old for her age, can't function at times in normal situations, and can't make permanent connections with people. the price of social knowledge is really detrimental to your health.

my mom just told me i can date a jewish girl if i want. this is monumental. of course she's probably joking, but man, I think I might take a jewish girl on a date.

i hear hundreds of songs in my head that really are beautiful, if i could only write them down. it's agonizing sometimes, when it's the middle of the day, and melody comes around the corner like the ride that you were waiting for to pick you up, and you can't get in. stupid work.

i might take a few years to write music and perform around america or europe. I definitely will be performing in my house this next year, doing the good Lord knows what. I've started to make the list of songs I will be performing my heart out to. They are going to be sheer awesomeness, from top to bottom.

nothing i really do is good enough for me, which kind of sucks.

i did take first at a debate meet in north dakota though in high school, and it was because I worked at it. I also work a lot at helping people. when it comes to helping people, there's nothing i'd rather do than haul large stones, chip paint, clean up trash, and do various manual labor tasks. i'd say my work ethic is best when its for someone i don't know that is in need.

i'd want someone to read this and see that i'm really not just a person talking about myself, but even deeper i really just a person talking about myself. which really begs the question, right? we are all completely selfish, down to the core. Winston and Julia from 1984 know what I'm talking about. The movie was very well done, I much liked it. The lead, who reminds me so thoroughly of ian mckellen, does a very convincing job of... everything. so selfishness, yeah? how do you ever really care about someone else? I feel like Josh V does. He's probably the only one though. Be honest, if you know Josh you probably agree with me. So I'm learning. I still don't really think I get it though, because I always somehow end up creeping back in on the caring and concerning myself for what is best with the other person bit.

i don't know if i'll be okay. we'll see if i will.

i miss margot in germany, and josh and matt out on the west coast, and austy out in fargo. they should all be in new york right now.

did i mention i'm not a fan of "going out"? why the @#$% am I going to go pay $100+ to drink some drinks that cost $0.80 to make and maybe yell at someone I don't know or even one of my friends in a hot, crowded area. who the @#$% used marketing to get the masses to like this @#$%?

okay wow, that was a little rampant. not much of a fan of those curses, but i mean are you serious? I feel like I'm missing out if I don't "go out" on the weekends, because every single person in new york does that. thank God union square still has people that understand that this isn't the case.

definitely have done thinking about God these past couple months. stuff hasn't been too easy.

i really do like myself. is that okay?

july? how?

amidst many hours of banking and going out on the weekend with coworkers, i've not a clue on how I'm suriving.

union square has been good to me. bboys, and the failing banker, and the strange community that's formed out of complete nothingness.

i saw August Osage county on broadway last week. It was amazing. I won't detail out the plot for you besides the basics, because the unfolding is so enjoyable. However, it's about a degenerate Southern family sometime in the last fifteen years or so, going through an extremely difficult time.

What really makes the play so good is the character development and how believable the characters are as they interact with each other. I found myself completely under the power of their interactions as I watched, and could not contain myself as I slid closer and closer to the events happening on stage. this play doesn't need music.

I also saw Spring Awakening on broadway. It was also performed very well, but the song lyrics and treatment of the issues presented in the story was not nearly what I had hoped for. I was expecting a very in-depth look at some of the very pressing issues of our current society, taken from using a play that's over one hundred years old. Instead, what I found was a extremely shiny, neatly packaged present that was exciting, fast, and had about the same capacity to fill me as a sparkler does on the fourth of July.

I love sparklers, but they are so easy! In the same way, this play did not really offer too much for me. The scenes were perfectly executed, no doubt, but characters that experience intense hardship essentially experience all of it in the 3 minutes before and the 3 minutes during their pop rock song. The cast were ridiculous singers and performers. Alexandra Socha is gorgeous (in love, if you see her let her know), and did a great job, as well as Kyle what'shisface as Melkior. However the play itself just left a good amount to be desired for me. Perhaps it tried to be too much, from completely accessible, to always-interesting, to ridiculous amounts of comic relief, to this revival of some old play to become some new hit thing, to incredibly emotional in every end of the spectrum, from repression, opression, growing up, raising kids, the question of acceptance, true love, and friendship, it really just felt like Spring Awakening tried to be everything.

Not to say that it didn't do some of those things pretty well.

I can definitely see why it won the Tony(s?) however. Pop culture will eat that @#$% up.

everyone needs to listen to mewithoutYou, plus/minus, and Bjork.



oh and i'm looking for true love. if you know anyone who's also looking for that, and happens to be a hetero female, let me know!

thanks

jordie the horse that loves to be patted.

content-climax

there's a loneliness that coats the days
a thin film, worked with dirt and
city muck, spread between the bricks
holding up the subway rails

my feet drag behind -- it's not quite walking
more like floating and never touching
but i'm already ahead of where i am so
i can never really be

the trick of the trade is touch points
carnival monstronsities
or a rating system of sexual encounters
or face to face chance happenings

like a series of anchors
or a hundred blind humans holding hands
tripping and falling and breaking their teeth
and getting up to smile at each other

New York, New York

I was accosted yesterday in quite a minatory manner, where a person actually followed me into a very very small restaurant after asking for money. He was yelling at my roomate, so I bought him a sandwich, and he still continued yelling at us. It was very difficult for me. I've had family members that have fought and died in wars, and this person, who there was a strong chance he never has spent a moment serving our country in that manner, had given the "Vietnam" speech for so long that he was able to run it on autopilot, and didn't even need our reactions or questions to do so.

It gives rise to a question of legitimacy. To what percentage are we able to give to those who are homeless or in need the ability to act for themselves and find a way out of their difficult situations. I make an argument that there are actually a number of people who don't even want help, or choose to ignore the help that is offered. I saw an advertisement for NY sending out homeless teams to reach out and help, and it seemed like a very awesome idea, but I wonder their plan of action if met with resistance.

I'm all about building relationships with the people you can, and then being better able to intimately meeting someones needs, and not just buy a sandwich, but meet the deeper emotional needs that someone has, which is to be known, and to have people who legitimize what you say and think, and value you and your contributions to any discussion, work, or life experience.

the fishing hole

whew!

so i'm in NY! finally got the internet, 3 days later. orientation at the bank has been pretty great. Today was volunteer day, and words don't really do justice to the 83 year old Jewish woman that i had the privilege to chat with, and the lovely Hispanic ladies who I got to enjoy some rounds of bingo with. it's really one thing to just go through the motions and "do" the volunteer work, but it was quite another thing to truly be laughing when the seniors almost heckled my new colleague Henry, a frenchman, off the stage because he misread the number. Having a bunch of jewish ladies making fun of him and other legitimately angry was awesome.

then I got to play with pre-kindergarten school kids, and just experience the joy and wonder of being young again, if only for an hour. they all had such eager faces, and were so willing to play and learn, and their conflicts were forgotten seconds afterwards, if not immediately or even before the conflict got resolved. they weren't worried about wars, oil, religious conflict, they weren't pushing themselves on to each other, they aren't dirty or screwed up yet, don't have sick minds, they don't hate yet, just a very basic level of living, but yet so pleasant as well.

my roomate's name is ian, and he's a great kid. hailing from ohio state, he looks a lot like my cousins. i have another roomate matt from princeton, and he's great as well. they both work at the bank with me, and that is quite enjoyable. we all went to work together in the morning on our first day on monday, showing up 30 minutes early accidently, and still not being even close to the first ones there. haha that's when you get when you have a bunch of eager ivy league kids and ivy-level workers. so many harvards, princetons, georgetowns, wharton kids from ye old penn (wooo), and your michigans, sconsins, and ohios.

work has been great so far. I got to meet a guy on my desk, which if you didn't know, desks are like the areas where people are placed at banks. A "desk" is essentially the section that you are working in, mine being FX. FX meaning foreign currency, which is great. I haven't actually started started yet, but I "sit my desk" first thing monday, at 7:00 AM. I thought I'd have to get in earlier, but thank God I don't have to. I'll be working 7:00 to 7:00 usually everyday, but haha kiddies I get paid OT, so life is good for the jordster.

and SICKKKKKKKKKNESSS I got to meet plus minus! I went to fireplace studios where they (I thought) recorded, but turns out they are still recording and they were THERE! It was nasty sick awesome great, and I talked with patrick james and chris, and it was very very enjoyable. I definitely looked like a douchebag because I just got off work and was wearing a suit, but I feel like they got that I was a pretty good guy. I also got to talk with the recording engineers, who, I just realized, freaking deja-vued me like no other.

This is a good moment to tell the world that I definitely believe in deja-vu, or propheting, or future forecasting. I don't know exactly in what matter I believe it, but my personal experience I've definitely seen the two individuals who worked at fireplace before, despite only meeting them for the first time in my life yesterday. very interesting. ahhhh my mind feels weird when I think about it, but it's an enjoyable kind of weird.

other than that, life is good, austin regan is here, we haven't got to hang out and play DOTA all night yet, but we will soon. I have been meeting quite a few people, and it's been very great and good.

this is all for now. call me if you want to talk, would love to hear from you.

jord

nodak

life is good. it's difficult, but good. I just watched A Clockwork Orange. I thought it was good. the language in the movie was a bit difficult to pick up, but the general themes and conflict resonated clearly. i think it's really an interesting thing - to see what you feel when the protagonist is commiting vile acts with his gang, to when he goes to jail and then the treatment, to the heartbreak he experiences at home, to the retribution he experiences with his friends and the beggar on the street and finally the writer who's wife passed away.

I was rather disgusted with the acts, but the way the music in the movie was playing, it was weird how they came to my brain. It was almost comical when he killed the cat lady with a giant penis. It was also pretty clear that it was from the 70's with the cinematogrophy at that moment. I was expecting the treatment to be a lot more disturbing, but nothing really moved me that terribly. Group rape is something that really infuriates me, but even while I watched the movie I wasn't overly disgusted to where I needed to turn the movie off when seeing that. It really questions my own morals and standards, that if I'm able to view something that awful and not be significantly moved, am I numb to the awful inevitabilities of our society? One way or another, if anyone rapes someone female that I'm related to, know, or see, that person will probably die by my hand. In many ways it's equivalent to homocide.

when the protagonist experiences the retributive justice for his earlier acts, I felt compensated, in a way. I wanted him to go through what he put others through. yet this feeling causes me to question that type of teleology with me. if my system demands that every person experiences what they give to others, would I really want what I give out? I think I would, since I generally am pretty happy and try to add fun and life to conversation and situation, but at the same time, I do ignore the homeless from time to time, I get angry and stereotype people and box them in when they do things that appear cruel or bad to me. I'm spoiled, rich, white upper-class, and so I really couldn't tell you what's it like to be a bi-racial, homosexual jew with no money.

People being born in different situations also give rise to retributive justice reconsideration. For if we are born with inalienable rights, as Mr John Locke claims and which I agree, then perhaps the burden for correcting this injustice falls on my shoulders. Yet what I do to help? I support a little girl in Africa, and she writes me the cutest letters ever, which are written out to Regan Jordan Patrick because my name probably comes like that (Regan, Jordan Patrick). But what does this do? Maybe a lot. Maybe nothing at all.

My current plan is to become an I-banker, rape the American economy for all the money I can get, and fly planes over Africa, India, and Western China and Indonesia with food, water, and SCIENCE

its breathing

and it happens so consistently