trying to characterize my evening

hello

So I think it's time for a "brutally honest" blog. I don't think anyone really reads this, and if you do you are either a. awesome or b. a close friend of mine and also awesome.

I've had a really tough time of it with my faith over the past year. 2008 was by far the hardest year to believe in God, and to try to live as a Christian, with the mindset, morality, drive, etc. When I think about it, I have a variety of thoughts I consider valuable in my analysis.

First off, while I do believe that people can be brainwashed, misled, taught wrongly, etc., I don't think, as time approaches infinity, that people can truly believe something they don't believe. What I mean by that is this: If something starts to feel phony or fake, and you find yourself forcing something out that doesn't exist inside of you or if you are pushing to be a certain way that you aren't, then you are going to get "looked up" by someone or the weight of the facade you are fabricating will collapse on top of you.

I've dealt with the issue of "faith" my whole life. For me, it's not the things of Christianity that trouble me. If Christianity is what the world is, if Israel really was God's people, Judaism was the correct religion until Christ came as the fulfillment of God's promises, to which He did the work which was required to save people from eternal separation with God, so be it. I have no problems with Christianity, especially as someone who's learned in the faith, if it's the real deal. There are many many hard passages in the Bible, terrible histories created by people purporting the name of Christ, and just a general bad taste in the United States for Christian people, but I have absolutely no problem with Christianity if it's right.

The problem has been for me whether or not it's right. Using my ultra-logical brain, I can run all these socio-cultural analyses and find that throughout much of the history of Judaism and Christianity, there has been difficulty in combining all of the elements into one sound religion. Internally there are enough volumes on the shelves of merely the types of Christianity that you couldn't read all of them with a hundred lives, or even a thousand.

We don't document miracles using video. Why wouldn't miracles be documented if they are so out of the ordinary? I'm not trying to be faithless, but rather faithful in that I believe that something like a miracle like my mother beating off breast cancer over this past year can happen. It did happen. I like to think that it's a miracle, because I know so many ladies have passed away from the disease over the past several decades. I like to think that God has preserved my mom and that I'm going to get to grow old with her. I love her and I would do anything for her. Absolutely anything.

It's difficult to reconcile the simple debate that many of the wars that occur currently are about who's pie in the sky is bigger, better, or more real. I feel like an ignorant buffoon if, every time I hear about the battles in Israel, I think "it's too bad they are fighting for Allah versus Elohim, because they are both wrong and they should learn Christ". How can I, even with all of my experiences, assume that I landed on the right side of things, that I'm the one who gets it, that I can speak so clearly and with such vigor that I know what is Right and True.

I live with the dichotomy. I live with burden. It's difficult. It's very yin-yang, in the sense that Christianity and this linear reduction of my world around me do not coincide very easily. One must swallow the other whole at some point.

Over the past year a battle raged. Christians would say that Satan had taken strongholds, atheists and humanists would say that I was steps closer to become truly free. I wasn't going crazy, I'm still a virgin, haven't done hard drugs, didn't hurt anybody physically, wasn't running around wrecking homes or anything. I just was, off doing my own thing or whatever. A good question, I think right here, was "how was it?" Both Christians and everyone else should be curious.

It was awful. I've never been more depressed in my life, and I've made mistake after mistake after mistake. I failed at getting a job, I hurt one of the coolest people I've ever met in a very significant way, I let my friends continue in unhealthy activities and relationships, I spent more hours jamming away on meaningless nonsense then ever before. I think why this was is because I lost purpose in my life.

So I tried to cope. This first semester of my senior year I spiraled even harder, being depressed and loathing myself even more than the summer and second semester junior year. I watched porn consistently, reduced most of my female relationships to flirtatious banter, rarely sought out my closest friends to hang out or do something remotely meaningful. This is all not to mention that I was on the leadership team for Penn Students for Christ, and the worship leader to boot. I let out feelings that were two years two late for an old friend, and suffered the whiplash of realizing that that was just wasn't current and didn't apply to our lives as they stood.

It wasn't just the things that I did, but the lack of things that I used to do. I rarely read the Bible, prayed, thought about others, cared enough to ask people how they were doing. I was so enveloped with self that I had little room for anyone else. It felt like I had less and less time for me, so I took more and more. As I'm writing this I know it, in a cheesy way, looks like something from a Christian magazine or something, but this is just the honest truth.

Without going into too much personal detail, I let all of my best friends down. I drank too much more than once, and just wasn't zoomed in on anything except for what I wanted. Christmas break was just whatever. I love being with my family, but I really don't even remember what I did.

So enter Jordan, spring 2009, second semester of my senior year. There is no night and day here. I've had some really tough days, and some really amazing ones. Today was both.

It's Feburary 11, 2009. I'm turning 22 in 15 days. I really was "born this Thursday, 22 years ago" (thanks jon foreman). Classes were fine, but computer games and poker both just went crappy. I also am just so frazzled with these intense feelings I've had. My day started going pretty awful, and around 10:30 I realized that I needed to get out.

I grabbed my bike, hopped on outside of PiLam, and just booked it. I biked past her place, looking for a parking garage where I could read the Word or something or just sit and yell at God for awhile. I ended up going downtown. There were no parking garages (my favorite place). Well the tops at least. Every single one was manned with... well.. a man. They wouldn't have liked my biking past. I biked around City Hall, and just went back and forth looking for garages and wondering why everything I had read in the Word recently talked about discipline. Three different chapters from three different books hit on it.

I hit the Chestnut bridge, one street over from where we jumped off last year on Hey Day. It really was a 60-65 foot drop. There's no joke, it was actually relatively dangerous. I just got off my bike, looked around to make sure I was completely alone, and just started to talk to God, hoping that He was there or something. Man this really feels like a Christian magazine, but yeah, this is just my life. I guess my life is kind of like a Christian magazine. Ew. Only some parts.

So I busted open James again, because I believe that if Christianity is real and YHWH really is God, then He's going to speak to me through his Word, and He's going to speak to me right where I'm reading. The weirdest and most peculiar thing about my faith is that, with almost 100% success, when I am truly reading God's Word, I've always found what I'm looking for, or what I didn't know I was looking for. I readily accept the notion that my mind could take the books I'm reading and cross apply them to my life in a very personal way, but regardless, it was oddly and strangely personal what I read:

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:
Greetings.


Testing of Your Faith

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

9Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. 11For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

12Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and(Y) sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

16Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth,(AE) that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.




So... yeah. I mean even with everything you just read, you can see how that information and writing from James, believed to be teaching from God, has a pretty serious and lasting impact on where I'm at in my faith journey. The version I read had "perseverance" instead of steadfastness, which are basically the same thing, and it was just so nuts to see that. I've lived with this dichotomy so long, and I never thought that it meant everything except for that I suck.

I guess this passage is clear that I don't suck. That this was all for something, not for nothing. That surely I've gained perseverance through it.So I asked God for wisdom tonight. I asked believing. I believe God's going to give me wisdom. I prayed for my friendships and relationships, I talked with God about all the hard things. I want to share with you the ending dialogue of my evening.

I actually want to preface it with another paragraph, because I believe special attention should be drawn to it. Christ has forgiven the sins of those who serve Him, love Him, and who've made him the focal point of their being. Surely I am not a good example of a Christian since these are the requisites, but I'm some sort nonetheless. I burst out, just really charged at God because I've been yelling at Him for almost twelve years now to jump out of the river like Poseidon. I really just want some clear personal proof that God is IT and that even if other people don't have the luxury of knowing, at least I could know so that I can be certain when I'm telling others. That is where I am coming from:



ME: "God, God. Seriously you can't blame me for these years.

All these mistakes are from lack of faith, and my lack of faith is rooted in my own ability to perceive you.

Why is so hard? Surely you understand this God, you can't blame me for this."

*beat*

GOD: "I don't."

*pause*

*longer*

ME: "You should."







It was sweet. Not like gnarly, but actually sugar-sweet, to taste that simple dialogue. Surely it is objectively beautiful. It felt real to me.

wow its been a long time

okay so i'm not non-existant. i promise

here are some recent thoughts:

i have lived a generation (my friends are starting to have kids)
i really enjoy where i live and the people that i interact with, but sometimes other peoples insecurities really draw out the worst in me.
i like new friends
i really like old ones
i've sucked, badly, to many people over the past year and a half. i don't have excuses, but i have been sad at times.
i've tried many new things
i've enjoyed many old ones
i write good poetry with the influence of alcohol
and also good poetry without it
naruto is still amazing
and so is josh veit
what will i do for spring break? don't know.

two more classes

but this is more important

very heartwarming

holistic purchasing

update

redistribution - not the federal government

Direction

The recent election of Barack Obama as the President of the United States has clearly made history. The first election of a black man as leader of the country is important in both what it means literally and symbolically for the United States and the rest of the world. However, I want to talk about the general direction that young people are moving, and how I feel that the vehicles used to achieve the ends that young people care about are the wrong vehicles and this is imperative to understand how the government will change and how people attitudes about government will change.

I would contend that people are becoming more passionate. People vehemently will stand up for religious beliefs, moral convictions, hunger, poverty, treatment of prisoners, treatment of war criminals, waterboarding/torture, being anti-Bush, being pro-environment, being pro-life or pro-choice, being an Obama supporter. My friend couldn't believe it when the Phillies won the world series and everyone was going downtown to see what craziness would happen. Instead of Phillies shirts and caps, he found people who donned clothing and displayed posters and signs for Obama. People are passionate. I say "Darfur". You actually know what that is. The only other chance that you would have known what that is if you randomly heard the name in 7th grade Geography.

The proliferation of information, and the rampant increase in technological advances over the last decade or two have allowed people to become connected with each other in a way never seen before. I'm wholly thankful that this is the case, because there are so many people who haven't been able to speak for themselves and to ask help from those who are able to give it. Recently, we have seen a trend where people, due to pluralism and special interest lobbying, have since dubbed the government as the source and cure to many of these passionate causes. I contend that, while this school of thought is something that is plausible and appears to be a good short-term fix for many problems it actually eliminates moral choice and is wrong for doing so. Also, it will serve as a disincentive for many people to become active in the first place, which current conditions have allowed. I truly believe that grassroots organization is by far the greater vehicle for solving many of the worlds deep-seeded problems, due to the nature and essence of what grassroots is, and also due to the beautiful morality which it encompasses.

I will further these points with 3 more paragraphs tomorrow.

Ron Paul

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/11/paul.republican/index.html

My rhetorical answer at the time was simple: Why should one be excluded... for believing and always voting for:

• Limited government power

• A balanced budget

• Personal liberty

• Strict adherence to the Constitution

• Sound money

• A strong defense while avoiding all undeclared wars

• No nation-building and no policing the world




true conservative thought rocks.

influence

The way people become influenced is very natural in in our society. People subject themselves to the ideas and notions of those they are close to, or those who move them emotionally, or even yet those whom they fear or despise. Without adequate self-reflection, a person can very quickly renounce things they held closely and drift to another island of thought. Why self-reflection is important should be intrinsically understood, but if it is not clear, read Siddhartha. Buddhism clearly understands that contemplation of all things is imperative to live the good life and that an accurate understanding of self is one of the many longings of the human condition.

People cling to ideas. People also cling to people who cling to ideas. This is not bad, it's actually very good because there are many very good ideas that exist in our world. I find myself ever annoyed with the United States' two-party system, as it creates this giant sucking sound that I can almost literally hear every single time one of the parties triumph over the other. Three of my closest friends and I have ex-girlfriends who we continually exchanged words and action with, even months or years after we broke up. These words and actions seemed pitiful, redundant, painful, everything that happens when you get the picture of someone using a defribulator on a person who has already passed away. Yet this same imagery gets lodged in my brain when I see "Republicans" and "Democrats" win and lose seats, presidencies, what have you. I see more mudslinging, more stupid Daily Show and O' Reilly bullshit that causes people to laugh and, like scabies, get under your skin and start changing the colors of your blood.

I'm excited for Barack Obama to be president. I think he'll be a great one. Can I say that as a conservative? I just did. However the main reason that I would've voted for McCain over Obama is the people who support Obama around me. I read blogs of people who would do ANYTHING to make you completely untrustworthy of Republicans (or Democrats), who question their end-motives, who throw labels at people like they are going out of style. I'm assuming that I would feel similarly in the south, where being a liberal isn't a trendy thing. I'm obviously slightly biased because I lean conservatively on most issues, but not too much because I cannot tolerate ignorance and stupidity, which is most clearly visible in my own life. I am disgusted with myself in the areas where I don't possess omniscience, unless the idea truly does bore me.

I'm trying to start this incessant series where I do three paragraphs at a time, but this idea seems not to lend itself to that many words. Please stop being a tool. Yes, you. Me too. Do we really want to end poverty? Unwilling poverty truly is the disease that permeates and solidifies most of the worst things in this world. Education is the end of poverty, in the same sentence that humility is the end of of conflict. Education is not merely learning things, or acquiring knowledge, but it is learning how to learn, thinking for yourself, contributing your own ideas to the localized world around you. Educate yourself, and teach others. Learn what others think and why they think it. If you are stupid enough to think that one of the two parties is "completely off-base", then you have a lot to learn, no matter what Ivy League school you attend or business you own. Read the federalist papers, or the constitution. Study the historical context in which the Western Europeans came here in the first place. Examine policies and weigh costs and benefits. Most of all, consider Justice, and then as a finale, consider Grace.

face

doozies

mewithoutYou!

they are unbelievable live, and their music has greatly impacted me!

http://www.myspace.com/mewithoutyou

www.mewithoutyou.com

fa

latest and greatest

yeah okay alright okay i see yeah you got it

http://jordanregan.googlepages.com/flagoptions.mp3

new room new times

josh c and his barked tree

2 weeks

nothing is as raw as the time you set it

hi

my name is jordan. i'm 21 and 1/2 years old, and a rising senior in college. turns out, life isn't what you think it is. you are given all of these choices and options and varieties and flavors, and some taste better and feel better and work out better, and some fire other synapses in your brain, causing discomfort, pain, humiliation, defeat, and depression.

i'm doing well. 2:41 am, in my house, 4 people sleeping in the main room listening to beyonce. all of her songs are the same as the next one. it could be the mark of the producer though i guess.

i have all of these great ideas that i forget to write down. i'm going to start to write them down because it's important that other people know! i just don't really know how to write. i'd say a lot of people would consider me a rather concise speaker, and at times eloquent even, but i'm frustrated that communication is still such a problem for me. it's really similar to the idea that you can teach someone how to play poker, but you can't teach them how to play poker.

i got over my ex-girlfriend a couple weeks ago. it took me 2 1/2 years. I can't tell if this loyalty is one of the most attractive traits I have, or if it's something that was a one-trick pony and now I'll never really know how to trust someone with all of my intimacy again.

to speak -- intimacy (romantic, sic) for me means that when we are together that I actually care about what happens, and about what she says, and if there's a glance that doesn't like my joke I can't get it out of my head for the rest of the evening, and if theres a fight i won't sleep, and if shes upset i'll do anything to ease her discomfort. it's pathetic in a way, but it's so @#$%ing real that I'm not going to say that I don't meet this active aorta of activity called life every-so-often.

turns out, nearly every girl i've had a crush on/fling with has a boyfriend right now. it's absolutely hilarious. i mean, i suppose it'd be fitting, considering i'm finally "free" in a significant way, that my freedom in many ways relates to 20 years without parole, releasing into a new life, getting re-adjusted into society, what a weird crime i've committed, loyalty, as if that was something to be ashamed of.

matt knows what i'm talking about. he knows e-x-a-c-t-l-y what i'm talking about. all we have is loyalty, all we have is the greatest vision, the most amount of love, excitement and a puppy-dog face, and yet God demands our steadfast trust in pain tolerance and emotional unease. not that i actually know what torture feels like, or that i'd somehow cast myself as a person who has been through difficult times. my life hasn't been difficult. i've never worried about money or my own ability to do something, or having friends or being accepted (well, there was always middle school).

i guess what i'm trying to say is, "you must not know-bout me". nah, beyonce. but maybe i'm trying to say that i'm special. isn't that why people write blogs? Either "i'm special" or "i hope i have value to someone enough to read this".

and then maybe it's just me or maybe it's everyone but there's this weird self-valuation thing that i don't quite understand, but i think i understand, where i talk to myself when im by myself, and i refer to myself as a different person as the me who's talking, and we have conversations, and i ask myself questions and answer them, and i end up loving myself, so much, and admiring myself, and sympathizing with the things I don't do well, and getting excited about the things I could do or am doing, and i strengthen up for long Ethan Frome winters and the inevitable spring-fall-in-love, the summer heat that I hate, and the fall hustle that grows out my hair again and then asks me where i spent my time because it probably wasn't doing soomething productive.

Immediate reaction

I'll be recording a new video blog in parts later today, but I thought this was an interesting exercise.

I recorded myself immediately after getting home from not receiving an offer, and this was my reaction.

some things im excited about

yes youtube links work.

This is a great example of me.





Watch 4 or 5 times below in order to get the full effect

CORRECTION

CORRECTION:

I already took a jewish girl on a date once. IT WAS GREAT! HER NAME IS "sensitive information".

why scratching works

you itch, so you scratch it.

so many hours banking, definitely a lot of fun. trying to figure out if this is the life for me. I definitely enjoy the business side of it, but I can't help but wonder if 25 years will go be extremely fast, and then suddenly im rich and 46, and not really sure what it was like to be a young adult.

i really don't know what that looks like. i'm looking for a community of people. i want people who think about things in a comprehensive way, that cares about each other, that has grooves and idiosyncracies that I can touch and understand. very much like where I live now (in philly)

I guess I get a rush out of things I can't explain. People who defy their nature, and people who defy me. I sometimes wonder why people don't pick up on the patterns in other people, and then I realize that people don't think that way and I realize that I'm basically over-analytical to the point where I don't really live, I just find the category for the person I meet and move on. I'm like a very small science experiment, existing in your life only for a short while in order to get your ratings, understand your experience, and then digest.

my friend emily understands. it cost her a lot though. she lives out of a travel bag, and has never spent more than 2 years in one place. she's too old for her age, can't function at times in normal situations, and can't make permanent connections with people. the price of social knowledge is really detrimental to your health.

my mom just told me i can date a jewish girl if i want. this is monumental. of course she's probably joking, but man, I think I might take a jewish girl on a date.

i hear hundreds of songs in my head that really are beautiful, if i could only write them down. it's agonizing sometimes, when it's the middle of the day, and melody comes around the corner like the ride that you were waiting for to pick you up, and you can't get in. stupid work.

i might take a few years to write music and perform around america or europe. I definitely will be performing in my house this next year, doing the good Lord knows what. I've started to make the list of songs I will be performing my heart out to. They are going to be sheer awesomeness, from top to bottom.

nothing i really do is good enough for me, which kind of sucks.

i did take first at a debate meet in north dakota though in high school, and it was because I worked at it. I also work a lot at helping people. when it comes to helping people, there's nothing i'd rather do than haul large stones, chip paint, clean up trash, and do various manual labor tasks. i'd say my work ethic is best when its for someone i don't know that is in need.

i'd want someone to read this and see that i'm really not just a person talking about myself, but even deeper i really just a person talking about myself. which really begs the question, right? we are all completely selfish, down to the core. Winston and Julia from 1984 know what I'm talking about. The movie was very well done, I much liked it. The lead, who reminds me so thoroughly of ian mckellen, does a very convincing job of... everything. so selfishness, yeah? how do you ever really care about someone else? I feel like Josh V does. He's probably the only one though. Be honest, if you know Josh you probably agree with me. So I'm learning. I still don't really think I get it though, because I always somehow end up creeping back in on the caring and concerning myself for what is best with the other person bit.

i don't know if i'll be okay. we'll see if i will.

i miss margot in germany, and josh and matt out on the west coast, and austy out in fargo. they should all be in new york right now.

did i mention i'm not a fan of "going out"? why the @#$% am I going to go pay $100+ to drink some drinks that cost $0.80 to make and maybe yell at someone I don't know or even one of my friends in a hot, crowded area. who the @#$% used marketing to get the masses to like this @#$%?

okay wow, that was a little rampant. not much of a fan of those curses, but i mean are you serious? I feel like I'm missing out if I don't "go out" on the weekends, because every single person in new york does that. thank God union square still has people that understand that this isn't the case.

definitely have done thinking about God these past couple months. stuff hasn't been too easy.

i really do like myself. is that okay?

july? how?

amidst many hours of banking and going out on the weekend with coworkers, i've not a clue on how I'm suriving.

union square has been good to me. bboys, and the failing banker, and the strange community that's formed out of complete nothingness.

i saw August Osage county on broadway last week. It was amazing. I won't detail out the plot for you besides the basics, because the unfolding is so enjoyable. However, it's about a degenerate Southern family sometime in the last fifteen years or so, going through an extremely difficult time.

What really makes the play so good is the character development and how believable the characters are as they interact with each other. I found myself completely under the power of their interactions as I watched, and could not contain myself as I slid closer and closer to the events happening on stage. this play doesn't need music.

I also saw Spring Awakening on broadway. It was also performed very well, but the song lyrics and treatment of the issues presented in the story was not nearly what I had hoped for. I was expecting a very in-depth look at some of the very pressing issues of our current society, taken from using a play that's over one hundred years old. Instead, what I found was a extremely shiny, neatly packaged present that was exciting, fast, and had about the same capacity to fill me as a sparkler does on the fourth of July.

I love sparklers, but they are so easy! In the same way, this play did not really offer too much for me. The scenes were perfectly executed, no doubt, but characters that experience intense hardship essentially experience all of it in the 3 minutes before and the 3 minutes during their pop rock song. The cast were ridiculous singers and performers. Alexandra Socha is gorgeous (in love, if you see her let her know), and did a great job, as well as Kyle what'shisface as Melkior. However the play itself just left a good amount to be desired for me. Perhaps it tried to be too much, from completely accessible, to always-interesting, to ridiculous amounts of comic relief, to this revival of some old play to become some new hit thing, to incredibly emotional in every end of the spectrum, from repression, opression, growing up, raising kids, the question of acceptance, true love, and friendship, it really just felt like Spring Awakening tried to be everything.

Not to say that it didn't do some of those things pretty well.

I can definitely see why it won the Tony(s?) however. Pop culture will eat that @#$% up.

everyone needs to listen to mewithoutYou, plus/minus, and Bjork.



oh and i'm looking for true love. if you know anyone who's also looking for that, and happens to be a hetero female, let me know!

thanks

jordie the horse that loves to be patted.

content-climax

there's a loneliness that coats the days
a thin film, worked with dirt and
city muck, spread between the bricks
holding up the subway rails

my feet drag behind -- it's not quite walking
more like floating and never touching
but i'm already ahead of where i am so
i can never really be

the trick of the trade is touch points
carnival monstronsities
or a rating system of sexual encounters
or face to face chance happenings

like a series of anchors
or a hundred blind humans holding hands
tripping and falling and breaking their teeth
and getting up to smile at each other

New York, New York

I was accosted yesterday in quite a minatory manner, where a person actually followed me into a very very small restaurant after asking for money. He was yelling at my roomate, so I bought him a sandwich, and he still continued yelling at us. It was very difficult for me. I've had family members that have fought and died in wars, and this person, who there was a strong chance he never has spent a moment serving our country in that manner, had given the "Vietnam" speech for so long that he was able to run it on autopilot, and didn't even need our reactions or questions to do so.

It gives rise to a question of legitimacy. To what percentage are we able to give to those who are homeless or in need the ability to act for themselves and find a way out of their difficult situations. I make an argument that there are actually a number of people who don't even want help, or choose to ignore the help that is offered. I saw an advertisement for NY sending out homeless teams to reach out and help, and it seemed like a very awesome idea, but I wonder their plan of action if met with resistance.

I'm all about building relationships with the people you can, and then being better able to intimately meeting someones needs, and not just buy a sandwich, but meet the deeper emotional needs that someone has, which is to be known, and to have people who legitimize what you say and think, and value you and your contributions to any discussion, work, or life experience.

the fishing hole

whew!

so i'm in NY! finally got the internet, 3 days later. orientation at the bank has been pretty great. Today was volunteer day, and words don't really do justice to the 83 year old Jewish woman that i had the privilege to chat with, and the lovely Hispanic ladies who I got to enjoy some rounds of bingo with. it's really one thing to just go through the motions and "do" the volunteer work, but it was quite another thing to truly be laughing when the seniors almost heckled my new colleague Henry, a frenchman, off the stage because he misread the number. Having a bunch of jewish ladies making fun of him and other legitimately angry was awesome.

then I got to play with pre-kindergarten school kids, and just experience the joy and wonder of being young again, if only for an hour. they all had such eager faces, and were so willing to play and learn, and their conflicts were forgotten seconds afterwards, if not immediately or even before the conflict got resolved. they weren't worried about wars, oil, religious conflict, they weren't pushing themselves on to each other, they aren't dirty or screwed up yet, don't have sick minds, they don't hate yet, just a very basic level of living, but yet so pleasant as well.

my roomate's name is ian, and he's a great kid. hailing from ohio state, he looks a lot like my cousins. i have another roomate matt from princeton, and he's great as well. they both work at the bank with me, and that is quite enjoyable. we all went to work together in the morning on our first day on monday, showing up 30 minutes early accidently, and still not being even close to the first ones there. haha that's when you get when you have a bunch of eager ivy league kids and ivy-level workers. so many harvards, princetons, georgetowns, wharton kids from ye old penn (wooo), and your michigans, sconsins, and ohios.

work has been great so far. I got to meet a guy on my desk, which if you didn't know, desks are like the areas where people are placed at banks. A "desk" is essentially the section that you are working in, mine being FX. FX meaning foreign currency, which is great. I haven't actually started started yet, but I "sit my desk" first thing monday, at 7:00 AM. I thought I'd have to get in earlier, but thank God I don't have to. I'll be working 7:00 to 7:00 usually everyday, but haha kiddies I get paid OT, so life is good for the jordster.

and SICKKKKKKKKKNESSS I got to meet plus minus! I went to fireplace studios where they (I thought) recorded, but turns out they are still recording and they were THERE! It was nasty sick awesome great, and I talked with patrick james and chris, and it was very very enjoyable. I definitely looked like a douchebag because I just got off work and was wearing a suit, but I feel like they got that I was a pretty good guy. I also got to talk with the recording engineers, who, I just realized, freaking deja-vued me like no other.

This is a good moment to tell the world that I definitely believe in deja-vu, or propheting, or future forecasting. I don't know exactly in what matter I believe it, but my personal experience I've definitely seen the two individuals who worked at fireplace before, despite only meeting them for the first time in my life yesterday. very interesting. ahhhh my mind feels weird when I think about it, but it's an enjoyable kind of weird.

other than that, life is good, austin regan is here, we haven't got to hang out and play DOTA all night yet, but we will soon. I have been meeting quite a few people, and it's been very great and good.

this is all for now. call me if you want to talk, would love to hear from you.

jord

nodak

life is good. it's difficult, but good. I just watched A Clockwork Orange. I thought it was good. the language in the movie was a bit difficult to pick up, but the general themes and conflict resonated clearly. i think it's really an interesting thing - to see what you feel when the protagonist is commiting vile acts with his gang, to when he goes to jail and then the treatment, to the heartbreak he experiences at home, to the retribution he experiences with his friends and the beggar on the street and finally the writer who's wife passed away.

I was rather disgusted with the acts, but the way the music in the movie was playing, it was weird how they came to my brain. It was almost comical when he killed the cat lady with a giant penis. It was also pretty clear that it was from the 70's with the cinematogrophy at that moment. I was expecting the treatment to be a lot more disturbing, but nothing really moved me that terribly. Group rape is something that really infuriates me, but even while I watched the movie I wasn't overly disgusted to where I needed to turn the movie off when seeing that. It really questions my own morals and standards, that if I'm able to view something that awful and not be significantly moved, am I numb to the awful inevitabilities of our society? One way or another, if anyone rapes someone female that I'm related to, know, or see, that person will probably die by my hand. In many ways it's equivalent to homocide.

when the protagonist experiences the retributive justice for his earlier acts, I felt compensated, in a way. I wanted him to go through what he put others through. yet this feeling causes me to question that type of teleology with me. if my system demands that every person experiences what they give to others, would I really want what I give out? I think I would, since I generally am pretty happy and try to add fun and life to conversation and situation, but at the same time, I do ignore the homeless from time to time, I get angry and stereotype people and box them in when they do things that appear cruel or bad to me. I'm spoiled, rich, white upper-class, and so I really couldn't tell you what's it like to be a bi-racial, homosexual jew with no money.

People being born in different situations also give rise to retributive justice reconsideration. For if we are born with inalienable rights, as Mr John Locke claims and which I agree, then perhaps the burden for correcting this injustice falls on my shoulders. Yet what I do to help? I support a little girl in Africa, and she writes me the cutest letters ever, which are written out to Regan Jordan Patrick because my name probably comes like that (Regan, Jordan Patrick). But what does this do? Maybe a lot. Maybe nothing at all.

My current plan is to become an I-banker, rape the American economy for all the money I can get, and fly planes over Africa, India, and Western China and Indonesia with food, water, and SCIENCE

its breathing

and it happens so consistently